Monday was the day I almost said, “I quit.”

My soul was feeling heavy. I was tired, angry, heartbroken. America had let me down, again.

One side of the country was praising Charlie Kirk, a known racist, sexist, grifter, and idiotic provocateur. He was a man who thought Black women weren’t intelligent. He was a man who said empathy was a mistake and a detriment. He was a man who had no empathy for gun violence victims, not knowing he would become one himself.

Meanwhile, another side of the country was doing its best to keep the teenage victims of Evergreen High School in Colorado in the news cycle. In its breathless coverage of the Kirk shooting, mainstream news had seemingly forgotten about the teens who were shot and injured on the same day Kirk lost his life. Don’t even think about the news deigning to cover the lynching of Trey Reed, a Delta State University student in Mississippi. Reed was found with his bones broken, but somehow the police had decided there was no foul play. His family is now rightly asking for an independent autopsy.

So many folks who were crying about Kirk’s death have shared no sympathy for these other tragedies. There are no calls for the United States flag to be at half-mast, nor are there moments of silence for these victims. The number of people who claim their feelings for Kirk are because his death was shown on camera seem to have forgotten that we saw George Floyd’s death on camera. We’ve seen many Black men and women’s deaths on camera. Where are the tears and outrage? The continued calls for humanity? The moments of silence on baseball and football fields?

There are people who claim their feelings about Kirk are because he was a devout Christian. No true Christian would believe such heinous things about their spiritual brother and sister, much less spout them to the masses with such conviction as Kirk did. How did his blasphemy serve Christ? How did his work reveal the nature of God? He might have called himself a Christian, but he gleefully let himself be led by the Devil.

Are some folks couching their sadness in their religion because if they didn’t, they’d have to face that their “Christianity” is the same vile shadow as Kirk’s? Would it be too painful to realize that the God they think they serve is a false idol of hatred and bigotry?

Kirk’s legacy on this planet has been irresponsibly magnified by those who want a race war. The day after Kirk’s death, several HBCUs were targeted with threats. Trans people were blamed for somehow radicalizing the shooter, and even the shooter was wrongly described as being trans. All of this happened before the shooter’s grandmother confirmed he and his whole family are MAGA. Not only that, but he was allegedly a part of another fringe conservative group that felt Kirk wasn’t evil enough.

In so many people’s rush to performatively clutch their pearls and say the lie, “This isn’t who we are,” I saw white America defensively huddle the wagons from perceived attack. The attack being the truth of who Kirk was and what he stood for.

I tried to understand why so many felt telling the truth about Kirk’s life was wrong. Why were journalists getting fired for doing their jobs? Why were people’s careers at stake because they wrote something on social media about the reality of the situation? Why were people getting doxxed? Why did the DOJ quickly take down a study that showed that white supremacy is the biggest danger in America? Why was Trump adamant about taking down discussions of slavery in museums? Why was there this rush to rewrite the truth and turn Kirk into a hero?

The only reason I can see is that the existential dread that comes from participating in social whiteness had reached a zenith. Whether it was a liberal or a conservative, too many white people felt a shift when Kirk lost his life. It seemed like they realized that any one of them could also die because of a foolish person. They were not immune.

To me, the underlying belief was that anyone who wasn’t white was fair game for death–we must have had it coming to us for whatever reason. Our calls for help and truth-telling is violence and we deserve what we get. But a white person exercising their God-given right to speak whatever came to their brain? It’s unthinkable that doing such would get them killed. The only way to protect the institution that is whiteness is to, once again, try to rewrite the past and stuff down any opposition. Whiteness can’t sustain itself in the face of the truth; it must find its energy source in lies.

All of this was weighing on my mind. I felt Kirk heavy in my spirit, and I wanted him gone. I felt tired, disgusted, angry, and, for a little while, hopeless. I thought, “What is even the point of writing about this stuff? Who cares?”

I started thinking that no matter how much I wrote or tried to educate others, it wouldn’t change how broken America is. “Why bother?” I thought.

Two days ago, I read a thread written by someone who said they made contact with the spirits of slaves who resided in the Nottoway Plantation, the plantation that caught fire earlier this year. She claimed that they told her about their silent rebellions and sacrifices to keep each other and themselves safe.

“Silent rebelling is just as important as aggressively loud rebellion,” she wrote. “Each one had a role. Our ancestors said DO NOT OVERLOOK THE SMALL SACRIFICES!”

It led me back to what I’ve thought about myself and the work I do. Sometimes, writing feels thankless. It can be easy to compare myself to others who seem like they are further along in their online stardom due to their writing and media presence. It can seem like others have everything figured out and that I don’t matter.

But I had to remember that everyone matters in this fight against fascism, racism, sexism, and any other detriment to society. Every word, every piece of art, every speech, and every conversation matters. Small moments lead to the big movements that get recited in the history books. My work is part of that shift.

Your work is part of that shift, too. Perhaps you got bogged down by life like I did. You might have also thought it’s easier to give up, or to think you don’t have anything to contribute. But that’s when we let the other side win. We can’t think we don’t matter, because that’s what they want us to do. Knowing your own worth isn’t just mentally healthy, it’s also a radical stance against evil. It’s a daily practice that can prepare us for the rough fight ahead.

Just like how I had to remember that I am meaningful to this fight, I want you remember your worth as well. We all matter in this journey towards a better country and a better tomorrow. You’re allowed to feel weary, angry, sad and tired. You’re allowed to rest and check out for a while. But none of us who want a better world are allowed to quit. We are the heroes we are looking for and we can win. You, like me, are necessary and meaningful. You can’t forget that and neither can I.